{"id":566,"date":"2013-04-26T02:55:49","date_gmt":"2013-04-26T00:55:49","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/arachne.co.za\/jojardine.co.za\/?p=566"},"modified":"2015-10-29T00:59:59","modified_gmt":"2015-10-28T22:59:59","slug":"how-much-is-too-much","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/arachne.co.za\/profileclub.co.za\/how-much-is-too-much\/","title":{"rendered":"Baggage &#8211; how much is too much?"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>&#8220;Every saint has a past and\u00a0every sinner has a future &#8211; Oscar Wilde.&#8221;\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>We&#8217;ve all made mistakes and\u00a0most of us have a skeleton (or two or three) lurking in our lives. Everyone has baggage, but as\u00a0we get older and wiser, we improve and grow\u00a0as hopefully, over time we learn from our mistakes. For some it might take a little longer to demolish those demons, while others manage as best they can.<\/p>\n<p>When we meet someone, its natural\u00a0to want\u00a0them to love us, warts and all.\u00a0Unfortunately what tends to happen, when\u00a0that baggage\u00a0gets\u00a0unloaded &#8211; or offloaded, is that we often end up carrying more than our fair share.\u00a0So, what is acceptable?\u00a0How much is too much?<\/p>\n<p>Mental\u00a0&amp; Emotional Baggage<\/p>\n<p>Trust, honesty, respect and communication are the foundation upon which a healthy relationship is built. Be wary if he:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>still hasn&#8217;t recovered from his divorce, or the loss of his previous relationship<\/li>\n<li>is damaged from an unhappy\u00a0childhood<\/li>\n<li>can&#8217;t show affection because his mother never loved him<\/li>\n<li>has trust and\/or commitment issues<\/li>\n<li>doesnt want children, and you do<\/li>\n<li>is married<\/li>\n<li>lies or belittles you<\/li>\n<li>has erratic mood swings<\/li>\n<li>is an addict (sexual or substance abuse)<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>The aftermath of a breakup is often painful, and the scars from an emotionally impoverished childhood can take years to overcome, but human nature is amazing in its adaptability. Old sayings\u00a0such as\u00a0&#8220;the condition upon which you enter a relationship is often the way you exit&#8221;, and &#8220;fools rush in&#8230;&#8221;\u00a0etc. often come back to haunt us. People who lie generally continue to lie.\u00a0Those who\u00a0belittle you\u00a0will continue to put you down. Married men very rarely leave their wives and commitment-phobes\u00a0are either not in love with you and will never commit to you.\u00a0\u00a0There are people out there who are manic depressive, or\u00a0suffer from\u00a0clinical depression,\u00a0are alcoholics, drug or sexual addicts. \u00a0Some men will\u00a0take you for a ride, or abuse you, because they\u00a0can.\u00a0\u00a0Thankfully the same cannot be said for all men,\u00a0but\u00a0unless\u00a0a man is willing to either go for counselling or put in the time and effort in some way to\u00a0prove his worth, he is simply not worth knowing.\u00a0It does pay to take\u00a0time to get to know someone before its too late. At best, if he is genuinely a good guy, you will have the satisfaction of knowing you built a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. At worst, you can put an unsavoury interaction down to experience and do better next time.<\/p>\n<p>Financial\/Material Baggage<\/p>\n<p>Sex and money\u00a0are\u00a0two of the major reasons for breakups and divorces.\u00a0 Alarm bells should be ringing if he:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>can&#8217;t hold down a job or\u00a0 provide a steady income<\/li>\n<li>has\u00a0a record of financial instability<\/li>\n<li>is debt-ridden<\/li>\n<li>wants to control the purse strings<\/li>\n<li>is stingy<\/li>\n<li>overly-materialistic<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>In these\u00a0difficult economic times\u00a0and recent recessions, most people have had\u00a0to redress their financial situation, tighten their belts and adjust their standard of living. It happens; people do experience job losses, or have their company fold, while\u00a0others choose to downscale. Its natural for any person, or couple, to face challenges in their lives, and adapt after a\u00a0tough time. However, if a man continually exhibits any of the above patterns, he is one of 3 things:<\/p>\n<ol>\n<li>inherently financially unstable &#8211; which, unless you have a trust fund, is going to put a strain on your relationship<\/li>\n<li>superficial, controlling or mean-spirited, which is abusive and will undermine your self esteem<\/li>\n<li>using you; in which case, run!<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<p>Physical &amp; \u00a0Sexual Baggage<\/p>\n<p>Is\u00a0he:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>physically aggessive,\u00a0with a\u00a0history of abusing his previous partners?<\/li>\n<li>sexually aggressive or abusive?<\/li>\n<li>unfaithful?<\/li>\n<li>addicted to pornography?<\/li>\n<li>impotent?<\/li>\n<li>gay, or bi-sexual?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>If\u00a0 a man is bullying, or physically abusive and hits you once, its highly likely that he will hit you again.\u00a0Similarly, if he&#8217;s abused previous partners, the odds are high that he will abuse you too.\u00a0 Also, while there are\u00a0men who make the mistake of straying once but are basically faithful, there are certain men who will always be unfaithful.\u00a0Additionally,\u00a0a\u00a0healthy sex-life is vital to a good relationship, and it is important that\u00a0certain problem areas such impotence and matching sex-drives are\u00a0dealt with,\u00a0for people who truly love each other.\u00a0Then again,\u00a0while &#8216;anything between 2\u00a0consenting adults&#8217; is a matter of choice, there are men who will\u00a0take the &#8217;50-shades-of-grey&#8217; scenario a little too far for comfort,\u00a0and others who are experimental or unsure of their sexual orientation. Choose wisely. And be\u00a0ever so careful of the difference between lust and love.<\/p>\n<p>Spiritual Baggage<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Are your religious or spiritual views compatible?<\/li>\n<li>Is one an aetheist,\u00a0while the other more conventional in their beliefs?<\/li>\n<li>Are you willing to \u00a0date or marry across the religious\u00a0divide?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Men and women go to war for religious, political and\u00a0sexual beliefs. Families renounce one another because of religious, political and sexual beliefs. It is fundamental\u00a0for most people to\u00a0have something to believe in,\u00a0to\u00a0defend their choices,\u00a0and be accepted in spite of them. As with\u00a0those who decide to convert to a different religion and\/or culture, it is not an easy path, and for while for some it may prove to\u00a0be too big a bridge to cross,\u00a0tolerance can work wonders.<\/p>\n<p>As long as we dont keep\u00a0hammering on\u00a0that closet door, we can make peace with our past and\u00a0let those\u00a0secets die a natural death.\u00a0We can\u00a0banish\u00a0our baggage\u00a0and\u00a0leave it behind, or re-pack the\u00a0luggage\u00a0and move on. If you can&#8217;t, then you&#8217;re not ready for a relationship.\u00a0If\u00a0someone can&#8217;t\u00a0&#8211;\u00a0or won&#8217;t &#8211;\u00a0then\u00a0move on to someone who can.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>&#8220;Every saint has a past and\u00a0every sinner has a future &#8211; Oscar Wilde.&#8221;\u00a0 We&#8217;ve all made mistakes and\u00a0most of us have a skeleton (or two or three) lurking in our lives. Everyone has baggage, but as\u00a0we get older and wiser, we improve and grow\u00a0as hopefully, over time we learn from our mistakes. For some it [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":569,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":"","_members_access_role":[],"_members_access_error":""},"categories":[60],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-566","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-personal","entry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/arachne.co.za\/profileclub.co.za\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/566","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/arachne.co.za\/profileclub.co.za\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/arachne.co.za\/profileclub.co.za\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/arachne.co.za\/profileclub.co.za\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/arachne.co.za\/profileclub.co.za\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=566"}],"version-history":[{"count":11,"href":"https:\/\/arachne.co.za\/profileclub.co.za\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/566\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1001,"href":"https:\/\/arachne.co.za\/profileclub.co.za\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/566\/revisions\/1001"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/arachne.co.za\/profileclub.co.za\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/569"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/arachne.co.za\/profileclub.co.za\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=566"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/arachne.co.za\/profileclub.co.za\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=566"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/arachne.co.za\/profileclub.co.za\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=566"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}