What is it that some women have, that allows them to have men wrapped around their little fingers? What are we not doing and where do we go wrong? Keeping in mind that men have their personal preferences (ie. sporty, career driven, outgoing\u00a0or soft, gentle, homely types etc, blondes or brunettes, tall or petite), \u00a0most of those I’ve spoken to\u00a0generally\u00a0find the following attributes attractive in potential partners:<\/p>\n
Neediness, nagging, game-playing and being sexually indiscriminate as a definite turn-off. \u00a0We all know this; its not exactly rocket science. Yet, here we are still making the same mistakes:<\/p>\n
Mistake No.1: \u00a0We need approval<\/p>\n
Shelly Argov hits the nail on the head in her book ‘Why Men Love Bitches’.\u00a0 Her of description of \u201cBitch (noun): A woman who won’t bang her head against the wall obsessing over someone else’s opinion – be it a man or anyone else in her life. She understands that if someone does not approve of her, it’s just one person’s opinion; therefore, it’s of no real importance. She doesn’t try to live up to anyone else’s standards – only her own. Because of this, she relates to a man very differently.\u201d<\/p>\n
We all\u00a0want to be wanted and needed, and the \u2018disease to please\u2019 can be tough to discard. We do ourselves a lot of harm trying to fit in with others and become who we think they want us to be, just to be loved. When you interact with a man in a manner that says \u201cI\u2019m prepared to take the risk that you may or may not like me, and I\u2019m ok with that\u201d, you relax and have an opportunity to be free to express you who you are. And if he doesn\u2019t like you, your ego might be bruised for a while but you will survive. \u00a0There is someone out there who will like you, so don\u2019t waste your time on those that don\u2019t. Move on to the next guy who will appreciate your independence of spirit.<\/p>\n
Mistake No. 2: \u00a0We give in too easily<\/p>\n
We give in to sex too soon, we give in to his needs and demands, we go along with what he wants, \u00a0we don\u2019t rock the boat and pretty soon we find we\u2019re giving in to being single again. It seems there is a very fine line between giving a man what he needs, not necessarily what he just wants. Enough, but not too much. All well and good for the anointed few who seem to effortlessly exude just the right touch, but \u00a0what about the rest of us mere mortals? It can be a perilous process becoming a \u2018bitch\u2019,\u00a0\u00a0with those pesky self esteem and boundary issues running rampant and ruining our chances. Especially as, grammar notwithstanding, we \u201cdon\u2019t want to play so hard to get, that we don\u2019t get got\u201d. The trick is to realise that we can say no. We are allowed to say no. The sky is not going to fall on our heads if we disagree. Just be sure to say no nicely. And say it again if you have to.\u00a0 Sweetly. And if you receive a hurt, disappointed or angry response, remind yourself that its only\u00a0temporary. It is necessary however, to steel yourself against\u00a0the initial backlash\u00a0and stand your ground.\u00a0Its a sad fact that most women cannot seem to outlast the inevitable negative response. Its not personal, it is inevitable and it will pass. Its also natural that men will test your boundaries, so accept that he\u2019s just doing what comes naturally, train him early and he\u2019ll get the hang of it. He will respect you, and if he really likes you, he will come back for more. Give in and it might make things easier initially. He might like you but he won\u2019t respect you. And he probably will move on to someone he does respect.<\/p>\n
Mistake No.3: We don\u2019t set clear boundaries<\/p>\n
Getting back to Mz Argov\u2019s book, she relates an incident\u00a0regarding a couple in the early stages of their relationship. Not particularly taken with her choice of nail polish, he makes a comment along those lines, which she neatly –\u00a0and with pithy humour –\u00a0deflects. The relationship flourished, and she continues to use that very same shade of\u00a0nail polish to this day.\u00a0\u00a0More to the point, he\u00a0is ok with it because she\u00a0is ok with it. If we keep this wonderful analogy in mind and use it as our guiding compass, we will find it easy to set clear boundaries.\u00a0 Sometimes compromise is necessary, but not at the expense of our own happiness. A man can handle you standing up to him, and will respect and love you all the more for it. He likes to know where he stands, and he likes to know that you\u2019re happy. If you like that damn\u00a0shade of colour on your nails, and if you\u2019re important to him, he will quickly adapt to minor issues. Problem solved.<\/p>\n
Mistake No 4: We get needy<\/p>\n
When a man meets a woman he likes, he will make time for her. He will focus on work, go\u00a0to the gym, see his friends and family and do whatever it is that\u00a0he normally does. He might shave a\u00a0little extra time\u00a0off gym, his hobbies and friends, but he will fit you in. The difference with women is that when we meet\u00a0 a man, we lose focus on work, we skip gym, ditch the hobby and sacrifice time with our friends and family. We do more than fit him in, our life begins to revolve around him.\u00a0Its just what we do. We offer our more of our time and heart and mind and body than men do. And then we lose our perspective, because the attention of all that focus does not return the favour. Instead he\u00a0unwittingly goes about his life as he did (mostly) before we came along. He retains his focus at work and thrives, as we become increasingly resentful and insecure because we\u2019re not receiving the same level of attention. As we begin to cling, he begins to withdraw and so we\u00a0turn into the\u00a0\u2018needy\u2019 person he wants to\u00a0leave. Far from the focussed, independent, happy person we once were.\u00a0 The irony of course, is that if we can learn to be a bit more selfish, he will respond by becoming more unselfish and everyone wins.<\/p>\n
Mistake No 5: We nag<\/p>\n
One of my favourite sayings is:\u00a0 \u2018men don\u2019t listen to what woman say, they listen to what we do\u201d.\u00a0 And women tend talk before we start\u00a0\u2018doing\u2019.\u00a0 A lot. We explain, we analyse and we offer far more information than is necessary. Most men put more emphasis on the end result, and so they become adept tuning out the inbetween stuff that women talk about. Because \u00a0woman don\u2019t get to the point, men lose interest, patience or respect. Much like children and animals, men know that we\u2019re a long time coming before we back up all our verbalising with action. They see empty threats where we see communication. This is why, when women finally do get to the point of action, men are often surprised.\u00a0I’ve lost count of the\u00a0number of times I\u2019ve seen a man on the brink of a break-up or divorce genuinely bewildered, which\u00a0would be laughable if it wasn\u2019t so sad. In the same way that women have the 9 month gestation period to bond with her baby while men do so only when the baby is born, women are emotionally involved in the talking experience, while men only pay attention at the end, when its often\u00a0too late. This miscommunication obviously results in women feeling unloved or taken for granted. We feel compelled to continually repeat ourselves because we do not feel heard, not realising that\u00a0our partners\u00a0have switched off because they can only\u00a0understand, or relate better, to action. A lot of resentment and dissatisfaction could be alleviated if only we spoke less and consistently took more action. So simple and yet so far from easy.<\/p>\n
Mistake No 6: We let ourselves go<\/p>\n
Its natural to settle down into the security of a relationship as we become more comfortable with each other and let certain things slide. An unfortunate by-product is that it becomes so easy to take the little things for granted and so we settle into a rut. Its sounds terribly old-fashioned and clich\u00e9d to say that we need to pay as much attention to sexy underwear, grooming habits and personal interests within a relationship, as we did when we were single. We also\u00a0forgo our interests, hobbies and friends and lose some of that spark and aliveness that makes us so interesting.\u00a0 I recall Dr Phil once relating that he chatted to into a client who,\u00a0after her divorce a changed, lost weight and had a new lease on life.\u00a0His thought was that he wished she had done the aforementioned\u00a0while still married. A sobering thought; it takes effort and hard work to maintain self-pride and take care of ourselves and our appearance.<\/p>\n
If we let our ‘inner bitch’ out to play every now and then, with a little practice we\u00a0all learn to enjoy the power of little red nail varnish on the arm of a man who adores us.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
What is it that some women have, that allows them to have men wrapped around their little fingers? What are we not doing and where do we go wrong? Keeping in mind that men have their personal preferences (ie. sporty, career driven, outgoing\u00a0or soft, gentle, homely types etc, blondes or brunettes, tall or petite), \u00a0most […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":555,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":"","_members_access_role":[],"_members_access_error":""},"categories":[60],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-516","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-personal","entry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/arachne.co.za\/profileclub.co.za\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/516","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/arachne.co.za\/profileclub.co.za\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/arachne.co.za\/profileclub.co.za\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/arachne.co.za\/profileclub.co.za\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/arachne.co.za\/profileclub.co.za\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=516"}],"version-history":[{"count":21,"href":"https:\/\/arachne.co.za\/profileclub.co.za\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/516\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":699,"href":"https:\/\/arachne.co.za\/profileclub.co.za\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/516\/revisions\/699"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/arachne.co.za\/profileclub.co.za\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/555"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/arachne.co.za\/profileclub.co.za\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=516"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/arachne.co.za\/profileclub.co.za\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=516"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/arachne.co.za\/profileclub.co.za\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=516"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}